I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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