I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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