You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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