All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize