That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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