I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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