i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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