there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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