my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
