I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
