just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize