I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
