You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
