I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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