We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
