My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
