Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize