Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Randomize
