So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
