Everything about him screamed your future.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
