If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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