i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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