I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
