My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
