you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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