I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
