I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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