At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
