Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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