New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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