wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
