A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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