i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
