nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
