with your own penis?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
