My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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