mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
