Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
