Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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