hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
