why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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