My liver just broke up with me...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Welp...herpes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize