At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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