I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Randomize
