can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
