I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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