I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
