If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
