her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
