I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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