I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
