Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
