i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
