Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
