i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
