I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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