this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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