My hand turned me down
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize