Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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