its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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