Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
