I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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